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Parent Perspective: How to Handle Tough Conversations
By: Children’s Trust Parent Advisory Council
We recently sat down with the Children’s Trust Parent Advisory Council, which provides input on prevention programs and services in South Carolina. This diverse group of parents from across the state has years of experience raising children, and we asked them how to handle tough conversations. We are honored to share pieces of that discussion.
Listen to hear.
Conversations start with listening, especially to our kids—no matter their age. Kids need and want to be able to share their feelings and process what they are experiencing without an adult changing or wanting to change their perspective. When that happens, adults minimize their experiences. As adults, we tend to think that our thinking is correct because we are older and have more experience.
Give space for judgment-free conversations. Listen to understand, and not just respond. Think about how you feel when you are in a similar situation. You don’t have to solve every problem but can listen and empathize.
Please don’t touch the pot when it is hot.
Ask yourself, “Is this the best time to discuss this?” While we don’t always do this, most conversations can wait until the emotions have simmered down.
When emotions run high and conversations heat up, we don’t always see clearly. Consider a signal or safe word that helps others understand when they are exceptionally excited. One PAC member has a jar with a Snickers bar (remember the Betty White commercial?) that allows others to recognize heightened emotions.
One parent said she records tough, emotional conversations to listen to them later when the big feelings have passed. This helps her check herself and understand what is being said in the heat of the moment. She added that her kids know she is recording, and she shows her kids how to delete the files from her phone and the cloud.
Intergenerational challenges are challenging.
We know it takes a village to raise a child, and the village has its elders. Sometimes, the elders are wise, and sometimes, they are old school. It is hard to say, either directly or through our parenting choices, that we won’t raise our kids the same way we were raised or discipline them the way we were disciplined.
Respect is important, and it must go across generations: grandparents to parents, kids to parents and then kids and grandparents. Strive to maintain respect, recognizing that it goes both ways.
Empower your kids to have a voice. Kids have big feelings and are going through big things, just like the adults in their world. The days of “seen but not heard” are gone, which can be challenging.
It starts with you.
Having tough conversations with your children sometimes means having tough conversations with yourself. If you are mad at your teenagers, ask yourself if you made some of those same mistakes when you were young.
We are people before we are parents; that person does not go away. Apologize when you need to. It shows real bravery to admit that you did not handle a conversation very well. Too many of us were never told, "I am sorry," as children by adults.
Just because you can make someone do something doesn’t mean you should. Your position as the parent in the house makes you an authority, but know that you don’t have to exert that authority to make someone listen.
Think and confirm how your family wants you to show up. For example, if your child tells you about a difficult situation at school, an immediate reaction may be for the parent to get hot and declare you will be at school when the doors open to save the day. Your kids may not want Mama Grizzly; they may want a conversation to help them make sense of things.
We thank the PAC for sharing the lessons they learned and look forward to our following conversation. If you have a question you would like us to explore, please email us at hello@scParents.org.
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